did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
