i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize