i barfeds in our rink
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
