Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
