My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
