I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
