i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
