she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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