Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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