Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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