I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
