I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
