babies were throwing up all over the place
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
YAS. BRING CRAB.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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