thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?