I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
