I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
