Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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