if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
