I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
