I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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