I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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