I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
