ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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