Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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