I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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