i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
