I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
