after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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