I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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