Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
