I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
