Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
