I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
