I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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