The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
