it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
After tacos, we're chasing women.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
