I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
