Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
