Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
