I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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