Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
