how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
