my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
