Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
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