Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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