hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
