On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
