i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
