My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
