I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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