I wish I could teleport
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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