If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
