My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
