Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
