he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.