i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
