How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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