life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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