I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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