Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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