I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize